


there are branches suffocating me, but they are worth it

by hyelin



Category: EXID (Band)
Genre: Diary/Journal, F/F, Hanahaki Disease, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Pining, Possibly Unrequited Love, Vignettes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:02:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 1,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23105191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyelin/pseuds/hyelin
Summary: seo hyelin writes in her journal.(fic abandoned, rewrite coming soon)
Relationships: Ahn Heeyeon | Hani/Seo Hyerin, Ahn Hyojin | LE/Heo Solji, Heo Solji/Seo Hyerin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	1. Journal Entry #341

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've starting keeping up with this diary and it's highkey therapeutic
> 
> so i got the idea,,, why not make a diary/journal fic???
> 
> ofc i think i'll do some narrative from time to time
> 
> who knows how long this'll be ;)

Watching Solji unmask herself in King of Masked Singer was something incredibly satisfying.

She was back. Everything would get better from here. We were all whole again.

So why do I feel my chest tightening so much?


	2. Journal Entry #356

I wanted to let off some steam besides going out to drink so I went to a practice room instead. Dancing was always therapeutic for me, and it helped to keep my weight in check if I didn't want to go out to the gym.

I was doing fine until Solji went inside. I didn't notice her at first, even with the mirror wall reflecting her observant look. The song had ended when I looked back at her.

I had never felt so nervous in my life. My heart was pounding faster that it should. 

She had a towel and a juice box with her, but she handed it out to me. Turns out she saw that I came into the practice room at 11pm and wondered why, so she decided to help out.

Her smile, though. It was so beautiful. The sun could never. God, she could light up everything with that smile.


	3. Journal Entry #360

Hyojin got Solji a bouquet of yellow roses today.

I felt sick to the stomach, and I didn't know why. 


	4. Journal Entry #397

One time Solji told me that she loved me.

It was back in 2015 and I didn't think much of it. I never thought about my own feelings back then. I was focused on making sure the group was being well fed on my own expense. 

But in a way, it was just my way of repaying the debt that I owed them. They gave me a second chance when I was turned down the first time (and I wasn't surprised when I wasn't chosen the first time; the former members had better talent that I did). Solji must've felt the same; she was giving up her dream to become a famous singer when she was given the chance to try again.

I guess she was just giving me gratitude for my generosity. She didn't know at that time, but I was working jobs so we wouldn't have to eat poorly. I didn't want to tell her that it was because I saw Heeyeon purging expired ramyeon that I decided I should take matters to my own hands.

“I love you, Seo Hyelin. Remember that, okay?”

Somehow, 3 years later, I remembered that exact moment. I'm sure Solji wouldn't remember, how could she? Hyojin's arms seem more comfortable to snuggle in. She's so much happier when she is with her.

Still, her voice haunts me to this day.


	5. Journal Entry #402

Comeback was near. Everyone's already learned the choreography, but we're still all nervous.

Our first comeback as 5. It felt like it was only yesterday that we started promotions for _Night Rather than Day._

I Love You. We were showing a vulnerable side of ourselves again through a retro dance track. Sending hearts to the audience and such. It's a different kind of feeling when we have Solji though.

Still, the red suits were giving a sexy aura that our music video wasn't conveying. I was hammered when I shot the party scene with Hyojin, but nobody knew that.

I'm sure we'll ace the comeback. With wins or not. We just needed to show the country that EXID are just as strong as ever, stronger now that Solji is back.


	6. Journal Entry #405

I wish I was back at home. I have the strange urge to cook a whole meal for 10 people right now.

Promotions started and I'm kind of already bored. It's weird. I don't show it because I'm naturally a ball of intense energy. And since we're all together now I don't think anyone would notice if I seemed off.

Maybe if I had pushed my aunt to teach me piano like she taught me violin, I could've played a lovely tune on the grand piano I was next to.

Solji plays the piano. She's really good at it.

I get mesmerised when her fingers laid on the keys. She was improvising in C Mixolydian. Heeyeon started humming along. She was the moth as jazz tunes were the flame.

Suddenly, I wasn't too bored.


	7. Journal Entry #426

We never got that win, so I felt a bit deflated.

But Solji was with us this time, so I didn't feel much disappointed at all.

I just wished that we spent more time together during promotions. But we couldn't bring her apart from Hyojin.

They're dating, they told us one day. As if we all didn't know already.

I felt the tears that stung my eyes that night. I wiped them off. Why am I crying like this?


	8. Journal Entry #427

I'm getting a bit sick of seeing Solji carrying yellow roses with her every time. Maybe it's just me, because no one else seemed to have any reason to object it at all.


	9. Journal Entry #435

Solji wanted to spend some time with me today. I asked why. She seemed confused at first.

“I didn't spend enough time with you during promotions.”

Yes, but why? You seemed perfectly fine with Hyojin.

“Hyojin's busy. Why are you saying that, Hyelin?”

Well, she's your girlfriend. Someone you should prioritise.

“I can't spend all of my time with her. She'll get sick of me.”

And I never fought back afterwards. I didn't want to fight her anymore since I didn't want to lose the chance to be with her. 

We went to Lotte World. It's different when you visit the park without your family. The feel of it was also different because it's Solji.

The rides may have been mindblowing, but they never competed with Solji. I had to force myself to stop staring at her every time we were at the end of each ride.

I wonder if this is what Hyojin gets to experience with Solji everyday. She's so lucky. Solji is truly just made of pure sunshine.

I guess I'm pretty damn lucky to call myself her best friend.


	10. Journal Entry #437

It's New Years' Eve.

I'm 99.98% sure I'm drunk. Actually, I'm wasted. Surprisingly, I can still write with legible handwriting. And it doesn't look bad from what I see.

I'm shaking. There's so much excitement in me yet I feel like something is off. I'm fizzing off but it's going to end soon. This hangover should be interesting.


	11. Journal Entry #438

It's two hours till midnight and I'm feeling dizzy. Sick, actually. Is there an itch in my throat or am I just imagining things?

I was completely fine until now. I think I will just pull through this like a champ and them go home after midnight strikes.


	12. 23:58, New Year's Eve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wonder if people are actually reading this 👁👄👁
> 
> comments are very much appreciated please

The bathroom is her safe haven for now. Locked in, Hyelin kneels on the tiled floor, shaking. Tears sting and blur her eyesight. Wet drops form and fall. There’s a persistent itch in her throat after the searing burn she suddenly felt, and why she secludes herself in.

The back of her hand wipes her teary eyes, and she blinks a few times. 

Floating on the blood-soaked toilet bowl are yellow rose petals. The sight of it makes Hyelin’s bones shudder and go brittle. It’s anyone’s worst nightmare, and the universe grants it to her in such a devilish way. 

Hanahaki flows in her veins, and it’s going to reap fields of yellow roses within her body. It’s a poison that is a lethal side effect of unrequited love. Removing it surgically would cost her great consequences.

Her days are numbered no matter what. Seo Hyelin’s life has ended here.

“4… 3… 2… 1… Happy New Year!”


	13. Journal Entry #439

~~It's been a while since I wrote in this journal.~~

~~I refused to write in this journal for some reason. Not sure what possessed me to write again.~~

~~I hate writing on this stupid book. How does this help?~~

~~My therapist is going to see these scribbles. Well... fuck it.~~

I'm so fucking miserable. 

I'm dying.

I don't want to die yet.


	14. Journal Entry #440

And how am I supposed to tell anyone about this? To my friends? To my family? To my group?

To Solji?

~~Who am I kidding... I'm never telling her.~~


	15. Journal Entries #441-446

One day, Heeyeon finds several pages of a journal angrily torn out with indecipherable scribbles written all over. She frowns, wondering which member would suddenly do something like this.

Maybe it's Hyojin. She's infamous for leaving scraps of paper lying around the studio after hours of writing.

But she doesn't recognise this kind of anger. Hyojin just _doesn't_ rip out paper like an animal.

Maybe...

No. It couldn't be her. It just can't.

Heeyeon doesn't think Seo Hyelin is capable of taking out her anger like that.


	16. Journal Entry #456

Therapist asked me about the possibility of getting the surgery a while back.

I told her I hadn't thought about it. Which was a lie. And she knew that.

She knew I'd never go through with surgery willingly.

~~I don't think the surgery would even help me get a better life.~~


	17. Journal Entry #471

I keep writing with a false hope that I'll feel better when I'm done. It's never working, and I think my therapist sees that.

Still, I keep on going with the journal. I guess it's nicer to just write out my thoughts instead of attempting to sleep with them in my head.

I'm puking more petals now. I wonder when I'll start coughing out broken branches.

Hopefully it doesn't happen during promotions.


	18. Journey Entry #476

Heeyeon can tell I'm worsening.

She's always been an observer in our group. She claims she's no leader, but she would help sort out our issues when we just talk to her.

I wonder what she has to say about the rose petals in my hand right now.


	19. Journal Entry #480

Heeyeon found out.


	20. Journal Entry #481

She cried so much.

Turns out, she was not a stranger when it came to dealing with someone infected with Hanahaki.

Her best friend died in high school because of it. 

She begged me to do the surgery, even though she knew that I wasn't planning to.

She regretted not being involved in much of her friend's fight against the disease. I guess she was trying not to make the same mistake again.

I'm sorry that you'll have to go through this kind of grief again, Heeyeon unnie.


End file.
